inauguration day

i think just the title of this blog will keep anyone from reading it, except maybe my mom.  unlike most bloggers, however, i don't necessarily consider that a bad thing.

so first off i guess we should deal with this issue of being on the edge of middle age.  i just turned 41.  my maternal grandmother (my last surviving grandparent and the only one who didn't die a somewhat untimely death) is going strong at 94.  i'm pretty sure that, despite my best efforts - jaywalking against traffic lights, driving too fast, living the high life in sunny california, etc. - i'll live to be 100.  ugh.  i'm tired now.  seriously.

in november of last year, the startup i was working for went belly up.  if you live in the bay area, or know someone who does, you know that this is not at all an unusual occurrence - and in fact, is somewhat of a badge of honor, or at the very least a rite of passage.  except for a short stint of unemployment after being "downsized" - oh, whatever, i was fired - in the spring of 2009, i'd been pretty blessed when it came to jobs, even in this oh-so-crappy market.  i landed a marketing job at a mobile gaming company, and then jumped to the startup about 7 months later, following a mentor from the gaming company.  (by the way, again, if you live in the bay area or know someone who does, you know that working somewhere for only 7 months isn't necessarily looked upon negatively; we're very opportunistic, and recruiters and HR people know it.)

and there i was.  vice president of marketing.  everything i'd worked for since graduate school.  i'd arrived.  about damn time.

and i was scared shitless.  i mean, i was ulcer-inducing, looking-over-my-shoulder-to-make-sure-people-didn't-figure-out-i-had-no-idea-how-to-do-this-job terrified.  but we were a good little group (operative word being "little," and it got smaller and smaller during my time there), and we were motivated to own something.  so we worked hard, tried a bunch of stuff.  some of it worked; some of it didn't.   we learned to fail fast.  indecision kills in environments like this.  you can't wait around for consensus all the time.

but despite our best efforts, it didn't work out.  after the requisite self-flagellation (preceded only by getting my unemployment paperwork in), i moved on.  even though it was right before thanksgiving, i started interviewing for jobs.  one company who had considered buying our startup invited me to come on to be their VP marketing.  i was really flattered - i'd only met them for a few hours, but after spending a few more hours with me in san francisco and then flying me to their headquarters and spending a few more, they were willing to take the plunge.

so why wasn't i?  gun shy, i told myself.  you have every right to be.  this company's bigger, but you're not totally confident about their market or their product, and the job would be much like, well, all the jobs you've had (granted, with progressively more responsibility) over the past ten years or so.  consumer internet marketing.  it sounds fun.  it even sounds sort of glamorous to some people.  problem was, it didn't sound glamorous to me anymore.  or interesting.  or ... useful.  i wanted to be useful, in a "I'd like to help you with that problem you're having with your business partner/landlord/government agency/spouse" kind of way.  not a "I'm going to optimize our search marketing budget and cut costs by 20% while increasing traffic 20% at the same time" kind of way.  I was 40.  I had to do something different.  if i didn't i'd wake up, rip van winkle-like, in 10 more years, and then i'd really be fucked.

so i bit the bullet and politely told them no.  and promptly went into a total tailspin, accelerated by an intense crisis of confidence.

the next few months were, frankly, awful.  it was a wet, dreary, san francisco winter, and i realized i had no idea how to change careers, or any confidence that i'd be able to do it even if i figured it out.  i started volunteering to fill my time - first at the san francisco spca (puppy therapy, people - try it, it works), then at the san francisco tenants' union, where i dusted off my ancient, little-used legal education to help people who were getting wrongfully evicted, or harassed by landlords who were almost certainly certifiable, or worse.  i was amazed at how many of these folks were on the edge of homelessness.  and i was helping them, and it was awesome.  it would have been really awesome if i could get paid for it.  (i'm not greedy.  just let me cover my mortgage and student loans and go out to eat once a week or so, and i'm good.)  but there just aren't too many opportunities in tenant law, and i'd never taken the california bar, and that wasn't high on the list of things i wanted to do.

so what did i want to do?  the $64,000 question.  the answer to which will wait for tomorrow.  ooh, a cliffhanger.  (actually, it's just dinnertime and i'm hungry.)