another long hiatus. here's a summary of the last 17 months:
in may 2013, i started a part-time job - my first ever in human services - at TROSA, a residential substance use disorder facility. i love my job. i love the people i work with, and i love seeing the residents change their lives over the course of the two-year program. obviously, most of them don't make it the two years, but we graduated 34 men and women in May. it's a tough program - lots of structure and hard work in the form of vocational training so that they're employable when they head back to the workforce or stay here and work at TROSA (more than 50% of our staff of 55-ish are grads of the program). we're the largest residential program in NC, with over 400 residents. check us out (or even make a donation, if you're so inclined) at www.trosainc.org.
in june, i bought a tiny little house (smaller than my flat in san francisco) on about 1/3 of an acre. it's fenced in for my dog, maya, who likes nothing better than hanging out in the yard, even when it's 90+ degrees out. i have big plans for the expansive back yard that are going to start coming to fruition this summer.
in august, i started the part-time MSW program at UNC-Chapel Hill. i wanted to keep working, so ultimately, taking three years to complete the degree instead of two was the best choice to make. i now have one entire academic year behind me and feel so lucky. it's a wonderful program and i have smart, empathetic colleagues. i really couldn't ask for more.
in october, i went to san francisco to visit friends and family. it was the first time i'd been since splitting up with my girlfriend there, which had happened in the spring. while i was there i got some joyous news - two of my best friends were pregnant, with a baby due in may. he actually arrived on june 4th, barely three weeks ago. he is precious, and they now have rounded out their little family, which also includes a daughter. i am so happy for them.
i spent the holidays with my mother and got the chance to meet her new (well, he's not new anymore) partner, and I also saw my brother, sister-in-law, and my eldest and youngest nieces, if only for a short time.
everybody already knows how cold it was this winter on the east coast, so i know i don't have to go into that. but it was. i didn't like it. the dog did, except for the snow we got on occasion - she's more of a desert dog. it is noteworthy, though, that area kids missed up to 3 weeks of school because of bad weather this winter. UNC even canceled my classes one day, which they hadn't done in years.
with cold weather and some general lingering loneliness, i felt a familiar feeling descending. that feeling of isolation, of not wanting to get out of bed, of not being able to sleep, of not really wanting to do anything except lie in front of the TV. my schoolwork would have suffered badly had i not been a member of a reading group that was committed to keeping each other on track. still, it took me forever to digest the articles. but what was i doing wrong? yes, it was a long, gray winter, but i was still going to work (if late), still making it to class, taking my meds religiously.
that's just it. with depression you can be doing everything "right" and still have an episode. and once you're in it, it's obscenely difficult to climb out. many others have written about this much more eloquently than i can, and if you go back in this blog you'll see that i've already written about it extensively, so i won't bother. but i went down and down. i drank too much, alone. by the beginning of may, i was contemplating suicide for the umpteenth time in my life.
and then, with great effort, i called my psychiatrist. because intellectually i know that meds can stop working with no warning, and sometimes you just need a different cocktail. he got me in as soon as he could and we discussed alternatives and switched things up. at first, i still felt hopeless, though: "what if it doesn't work?" i wrote letters to my family saying goodbye, that i was sorry, that it wasn't their fault, that i'd finally been beaten.
about a week later, the fog started to lift. he had given me a quick-acting med, which was likely a key reason. another contributing factor, i believe, is that i stopped drinking alcohol - this time, unlike any other, with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA has been a godsend. the structure, the fellowship, and the spirituality have been like nothing i've ever felt before. i don't think i'm an "alcoholic" with a capital "A," but it's dangerous, or at least ill-advised, for me to drink, so i'm taking a break, at least for a while. day by day. "The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking" (AA, Tradition 3).
today, i can say that i've done a 180 from 6-7 weeks ago. i get up early and go to sleep early. i walk the dog happily, even on those 90+-degree days. i eat regularly. i see friends. i meditate. and i regularly attend AA meetings and have met people who i happily consider new friends already. and i'm looking forward to a wonderful summer filled with friends and family - a long weekend in virginia beach, a joint birthday party with a friend, another long weekend in michigan, and a week in san franciso - all coming up this month!
i can't wait to start school again in august, and my first field placement, which is at the Durham County Criminal Justice Resource Center (CJRC). i'll be focusing on jail mental health and adolescent substance use disorders, two of my primary interests. i'm gonna get thrown into the trenches, and i welcome the opportunity. two months ago, i couldn't even think about it.
i don't publicize this blog, so very few people know about it, and it doesn't get many page views as a result. but if you stumble across this and you or anyone in your life lives with depression, know that there is hope. statistically, i am likely to have another episode, but that is another time. living in the present instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future is half the battle, or more.
